He before Me

   Long time no see blog. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get on here. A lot has actually happened since my first blog post, I’ve just been trying to find time to sit down and share with you all.

   I wrote my last blog while sitting in the hallway of my school in between classes. Very stressed out and procrastinating reading my textbook that needed to be read before my next class. Last semester was a really weird one in the mind of Sydney Spears. I was stressed the entire Semester. Cried a lot more than I probably should have. The world felt so big and I felt so small and unimportant in it. How could I feel that way when I got accepted into a program that freshman year I could only dream of? The version of me that wanted to take my camera and travel the world. That wanted to intern my summer after High School with an organization in Haiti that is very near to my heart. Those plans seemed so big and impossible back then. Now I’m leaving in 7 and a half months to travel across the world for 9 months to love on precious people and share Jesus, and I get to bring my camera!

  So why was I so down after being accepted? Why was I stressed out the entire semester? Why couldn’t I rejoice in this incredible opportunity? Because I was too focused on Sydney. I was worrying about fundraising and how I was going to leave the people I love the most for nine months with little contact. I was stressing over the amount of school I was behind on because I had waisted all my time stressing. I was so focused on ME, I forgot to focus on HIM! I put a restraint on what Jesus could do. I forgot that he’s the one who got me here in the first place, so why wouldn’t he meet my fundraising goals?

  This was never apart of my plan, at least it wasn’t until August 5th when I randomly decided to look up gap year and spontaneously apply. Even then, it was all Him! I prayed over my application, I prayed over the next 30 hours before my phone interview, I prayed the next 22 hours until I got officially accepted. I asked Him to not even get allow me to get a chance for a phone interview if this wasn’t His will. And despite if my application seemed okay, and even if the phone interview happened and went good… give them a big fat no on me if it’s not of you. He brought me to this place. He took my dreams and made them so much better than I could imagine. He will provide. And he will continue to provide. He has molded me into who I am at this very moment. And during those nights on the race when I miss home the most he’ll remind me that he has made a home for me right where I’m at. Because my home is in Him. 

  If I could go back to even the beginning of December and just tell myself that. On the last day of class for the semester, when I sat in my car and bawled my eyes out for 30 minutes because I felt like a failure. My mind seemed to go in every different direction and I couldn’t focus on anything. When I genuinely thought I was going to have to drop out of school because I didn’t have enough energy to continue. If I could just tell her that everything is going to be okay. Just turn your eyes to Him. Trust Him to get you through this. Lean on his understanding and not your own. He is a good God. and for those of you that needed to hear that, let me say it one more time… HE IS A GOOD GOD! 

  I don’t say all of this for you to think that you won’t struggle, and things won’t be hard. Because they are. I’m still scared to leave the people who I call family. I’m still terrified of what 6 months in Africa and 3 months in Asia looks like. I already love my squad with all of my heart, but doesn’t mean this little introvert isn’t scared to be surrounded by a family of 50 all of time and get no alone time. But through the hard moments, through the fundraising, through the tears, through the home sickness, through whatever else will make my heartache… he is always near. His arms are always open.

  As I’m writing this we are 18 days into 2020, and let me tell you… God has already taught me more in these 18 days than he did in all of 2019. It’s because my ears have been open to what He is saying. It’s been less about me, and more about Him. What would he do? Trust me I’ve already had a fair share of slip ups. I have tried to control things that aren’t mine to control. I have gotten bothered by some things because they didn’t meet my standards. And Adonai keeps gently reminding me that it’s not about how I feel. It’s not about how I want to, or think I should react. But how would He? He would love. He would allow other people to express their emotions how ever they want and talk when they’re ready. He wouldn’t get aggravated when people don’t think the same way he does. Putting other peoples feelings and needs before your own makes you feel way better than putting yours first. I know crazy how that works. But it’s true. You’ll probably mess up quite a bit because I know I sure do, but pray for peace and understanding. Pray that you see the other persons side and that your are able to put your feelings aside. So he’s teaching me to not make everything about me. Even things like fundraising. My youth leader told me the other day that it’s okay if money is coming in slowly, because it allows God to make for an even bigger miracle. It allows him to show up. 

  So I guess that’s the big change between now and last time I wrote a blog. Everything is now in His hands. Everything is for His glory. Everything I do and think is for Him to be seen. Let me tell you, this has made a world of a difference. My mind is not in a thousand different directions anymore, because it’s only focused on Him. I’m not stressed out about all that needs to be done because He makes a way (don’t be lazy though, you still have to do your part). Also something I had to realize is that IT IS OKAY TO FAIL!!! Just because you fail, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure! You aren’t going to be good at everything. You will fall short. You will probably screw up a few times, and that is okay! I promise you. Ask him for strength or guidance on how you can get through your failures! He will guide you! 

  Anywho, that’s kind of all I’ve got for now. I hope you got something out of my random jumbled up thoughts. I love y’all and am so thankful for this. Thankful that I have a place to share my thoughts and share what he’s teaching me. Until next time blog….

– You’re friend Sydney<3

P.S. here’s some verses to read up on that had to do with the topics I shared~

Loving People Despite Your feelings:

Romans 12:9-21

Proverbs 15:1-7

Feeling Like A Failure:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 <—– Y’all this one is such a good word! 

Psalms 73:26

HE Before ME:

Galatians 2:20

John 3:30

Colossians 3:1-4

Romans 8:5-6

I want to put about a thousand more verses but don’t want to overwhelm you… but for real go read those verses because what He has to say about those topics are far better than what I have to say!